Jacob Marshal wasn’t always a zombie. Six months ago, he was worm food, and a week before that he was Ohio’s most recent Death Row execution. A one Mr. Walter S. Pratchett III, Mr. Marshall’s court-appointed attorney, had lazily defended Mr. Marshall in a murder case a year and a half prior to Mr. Marshall’s death. Mr. Pratchett had aspirations of becoming the governor of Ohio, but would have settled for his own law office in Cleveland, gazing loftily down upon the ants who would come to worship at his legal throne.
Mr. Jacob Marshall, zombie, woke in his grave on January 16, 2008. It was snowing outside, though Mr. Marshall was unable to discern this from within his coffin. The subsequent confusion and panic caused Mr. Marshall to expend great personal effort to break free of his subterranean prison. The resulting mental distress caused Mr. Marshall to flee from Shady Meadows, the federal cemetery in which he was buried, to a nearby diner. It was here that Mr. Marshall was accosted by a one Margie Clearwater, who assaulted Mr. Marshall with a pot of scalding coffee. Mr. Marshall fled the scene to a nearby phone booth and attempted to call his mother, whom, still grieving for her so-called “dead” son, believed the call to be a prank and hung up the phone.
Mr. Marshall, with no other option before him and soiled in the dirt of his own grave, made his way to the Cleveland Police Department on the corner of 4th street and Aberdean Blvd. It was here that Mr. Marshall was re-arrested for the murder of Michael Wells, a conviction he had already been sentenced and executed for.
Upon medical examination, Dr. David Jennings, PhD, has determined that Mr. Marshall’s acute zombiehood was incurred by the use of an unsterilized needle during Mr. Marshall’s lethal injection. The prosecution would like to point out that federal laws regarding lethal injection require that all needles be sterilized prior to use.
Furthermore, Mr. Marshall would like to request conciliatory compensation funds for the error under which his death took place, as well as for the transmission of a disease with no known cure, amounting to a total sum of $63 million dollars and the brain of a Mr. Walter S. Pratchett III, attorney at law.
I want a movie about a guy who runs for president and wins but then suddenly realizes that he doesn’t want to be president, so he just starts doing ridiculous things all the time trying to get impeached, but it NEVER WORKS because they always miraculously end up being the right thing to do. Like, he declares war on Canada? Next day it turns out that Canada had secret plans to nuke Washington. he bans Doritos? Turns out theyr’e the number one cause of cancer and natural disasters. He sends his vice president to jail? Turns out the VP was a terrorist in disguise. He has 100% approval rating, most popular president ever.
I’ve decided that I want him to be played by Jeff Goldblum.
It reminds me of The Producers, but instead of two guys that finance a shitty musical about Hitler, expecting it to flop so they can make money off of it, it’s the president.
Jeff Goldblum should be in everything. Can Steve Buscemi be in it, too?
If you ever date an asexual person be sure to get the specifics of their asexuality because the level of comfort with physical contact is different for all of us.
as an asexual person, i’m a little confused as to why you think this only applies to us. this applies to all people. no matter who you date, their level of comfort with physical contact will vary, and whether they’re ace or not it’s your job to establish a comfort zone